#44 I Know the Scars on Your Legs

Where do I begin?

He's still the topic of my conversation, it annoys me and I can't help it. I told him to never talk to me again, yet I find myself opening an IM box with his screen name as the recipient...typing some words and then closing the box again.

I'm always forever changing my mind, aren't I? I wish I was someone more stable. How do I do this?

I did IM him today. I said Goodnight, cause he usually signs off at 11. His exact words were "Get the fuck away from me." Like I was some disease, infection, virus, etc. Perhaps I am. But...how do I do this? How do I get away from him when my thoughts are pretty filled with him?

His ex ended up never reading this blog, btw.

I told my friend that I catch myself bringing him up in conversations a lot, especially if we're doing some activity that he and I did in the past. She didn't look happy that I was talking about him...again. More like she was annoyed that I kept being stupid about my actions despite the fact that I know I should do better.

I had break last week. Today is my last day. I crammed all my homework, and I'm still working on it. But right now I'm procrastinating...like the normal teenager. Haha.

Yesterday, the my friend (same friend from above) and I walked along Broadway from 134th St to 42nd St. It was a relaxing 92 block walk...but my feet ache now. I think I mentioned him like a little less than 10x while we were walking. And I was suppressing my thoughts too...so if I wasn't, there'd be more to say about him.

I wish there was someone to guide me. Like when you are a child, your parents and teacher tell you what to do to get a gold star.

Am I hung over him? Or do I just want to talk to him like a friend? But I already broke him, so he won't want to talk to me again. He said I was like a drug before. He dropped me, he's sober.

What should I do? Is there anyone out there?

Anyone...?

Love,
Jay