#42 I Feel Her Too

Hello again. I'm sorry I left...well at least I know I have someone reading this - although they're probably gone now because they think I'm gone.

I don't think I can ever leave this blog, it's my baby. And the name just fits so well - I can't think of another name. I only wrote one entry in the other blog...and it was a stupid entry, pointless, so you didn't miss out on much.

What's going on right now...

Well, the main question I have in my head is do i stalk drama? Why do I fuck around people's lives?
Back before I started dating him, he told me to get over him - and I did. I think I really did get over him and when he asked me out, I thought that maybe I can fall for him again, but I really don't think I did. Dunno, I'm forever changing my mind.

He said it's like he's dating a drug addict, and I'm addicted to complications. If he were actually dating an addict, he would stop me, but at the same time, he would know it's unhealthy for him. When I pointed that out, he said it doesn't matter - that he loves me anyway. I love him, like I love everyone else. I'm not in love with him. Two very different things.

Haha, this is why I'll probably never ever get married, cause I think too much.

I was on break for the past week, and I have not slept well at all. It's been extremely restless. Last night was the first night that I slept comfortably, but it wasn't even in my own home (sleepover). Last night was also the first night I remembered a dream in a long time - and it creeped me out.

I had two dreams, the first dream isn't really important. It was about a pedophile. But the second dream was about my dad. He was dying, really dying. It scares me.

I always kind of brush off my past and the fact that my father or mother, or both, might die by the time I graduate. But lately it's just in front of my face. It's been like that since I talked about it with one of my girlfriends. It finally hit me, smacked me in the face, gave me an uppercut and dislocated my jaw, that my parents might be gone.

My dad's condition just keeps deteriorating, and he's doing it to himself. Smoking and keeping to himself in the basement...the filthy basement where the dogs piss. His coughs, I feel, can be heard from a mile away. He says it's not because he smokes, but allergies. There's nothing to be allergic to during the winter.
I am so scared. Of seeing my dad like the way I saw in my dream. Of going to school and failing. Of finding out my future.

I wish I can be abducted by ninjas and told that I'm actually some kind of Cinderella and then have a narrator pop up and say, "She lived happily ever after. The End."

Love,
Jay