#38 In Darkness, She Is All I See

Embrace for a very messy, scattered, unorganized entry.

I told him I love him. Mistake right from the beginning? Perhaps. I'll find out. He's currently on a mission to find my blog. Haha, I don't think he'll find it. But if he does, he's in for a big surprise.

I don't want to tell him about this, no matter what. I know he's upset at me for not letting him know. I don't think he understands how much this blog, writing in here, means to me. I just want something of my own, something private. Why am I not allowed to keep a secret, part of my life away from someone I love?

According to him, there are no secrets between the person you love. He said he would tell me everything if I wanted to know. That he grants my wishes, if he can, but his wishes are never fulfilled. This guilt-tripping nonsense - I am so sick of it. My sister, mother, father, everyone always guilts me. I really do not need my own boyfriend to do this to me.

Moving on slightly...
Infatuation was a big part of my life. Obsession...lust. One will lead to the other. It's hard to differentiate between being in love and being infatuated. In a previous relationship, I was infatuated with my ex. So deeply infatuated that I hurt myself and him. I was obsessive and possessive, so I don't want to be like that anymore. I'm trying.

So how do these two things play into my current relationship? Well, I'm trying to identify whether I actually do love him or if it's just lust. I know I often confuse these things. It frustrates me. I want to know, I need to know so I can stop it. How does it feel? How do I know? I want the answers. Blogging being a secret - is he not special enough? Yes, he is. But I want him to find it...I think that'll make it rewarding and even more special.

Relationships are so icky. Why do I even bother with them when I doubt myself?

I write in here when I feel lost. Upset. Angry. Frustrated. Just need to rant. Lost, but found by whoever passes by. Even just a quick glance...a once in a lifetime comment - it was still found.

Agh, I can't believe I wrote such a depressing entry on love when it's New Years' Eve. Well, whatever. What's started must be finished.

So here I go talking about him again...
Maybe he doesn't know life as much as I credited him to. As I'm with him more, I realize there's still a pretty young part of him. He's just a thinker. The problem with his last relationship was that it was a job for him. Well, in my opinion...he made it a job to 'teach' her (his ex) love. When you make relationships into a chore, you know it's wrong. No one likes chores.

Sometimes I wish he would stop talking like he knows everything. Like he knows more than me, because he doesn't know if I do know more or not. Vice versa, but I don't go running my mouth like I'm fucking Ghandi. I only do that when I'm absolutely sure I know more.

Enough about this. I'm done.

Happy New Years' Eve! Talk to you guys next year! ;)

Love,
Jay

P.S. I think guilt will end up getting the best of me. I'll probably end of telling him because I feel bad that he's angry at me. Like I said, I'm a people-pleaser. I gotta stop that. Haha.