#37 I'm Breaking Habits, You Don't Wanna Know

I was and am always a "live above the influence" person. I would scold friends who would smoke and get themselves into trouble cause of that. I smoked pot. My first time, but I didn't get high cause I left early. I knew I would've stayed if my sister wasn't going to meet me up.

I'm not the type to smoke. I'm not a smoker. But it was a young and stupid thing, but I know I'll do it again. Everyone, well most people, in my school do smoke pot. They're really cool and I guess that gets to me, but not just me, everyone else too. They look cool, they are cool, they are exclusive. You just wanna be a part of it - even if it is stupid.

I don't like being part of the crowd - followers? A rebel, I guess. But if you're in a school where most students are rebels already, then if you are a rebel, you'll be a follower. So, I get confused and lost along the way. That's what high school is, you lose yourself, you find yourself, you lose yourself again. It's a continuous cycle until you've repeated those actions so much to the point where you know exactly what you want to do.

That's also a problem. Searching, looking, pursuing...a person, goal, etc. Just stop. Everyone needs to stop, take a break. Sniff the roses (well, not if you're allergic). You get what I mean. I wish every moment was a Kodak moment, a snapshot of simplicity.

Oh god, here I am talking about simplicity when I'm about to move on to a more complicated matter [insert dramatic sound effect].

He and I are dating. I know. I said would get over him. But I knew, know that he didn't want me to. My big sib likes him, but even she knew it was inevitable that he and I would go out. I felt horrible. I was covered with guilt, but I couldn't bring myself to give him up.
Today, she confessed to him. They walked around Central Park, holding hands. She cried to him and kissed him on the cheek before she left. When he told me this, I didn't feel a bit jealous. I was actually sad. I sympathized with her. Loving someone who loved his ex and then having your friend snatch him away. Love is stubborn and ugly. It's also beautiful and patient.

We're only in high school right? So why does this all matter? You're gonna break up anyways. Right?
Wrong. It matters because it build character. You are learning, experiencing, making mistakes, and being responsible all at once. It prepares you for that one person in the future, who you will take the hand of to marry.

Don't get me wrong. I don't love him. I told him I don't. I, myself, don't know what love is. Am I in love? Maybe, I don't know. I can say I love you very easily to anyone, everyone - but I refuse to tell him I love him. Because I don't want to hesitate, or say it emptily. I want to be absolutely positive that I do love him when I tell him.

I'm talking too much. This week needs to go by faster so winter break can settle in. =)

Love,
Jay