#34 I’m Falling Out the Sky Without a Parachute

It's been a while, hasn't it? I guess I only really write in here when I feel a sense of loss or displacement in my life. It's just boring when there isn't any conflicts in life.

I'm failing. I never cared much about grades, but the aurora of everyone talking about college and grades scare the living shit out of me. It completely engulfed me and it scares me. I don't like thinking about the future. Where will I be when I get out of college? Will I be able to handle school?

I can barely pass some of my classes - and I'm not exactly passing my other classes with flying colors either. I'm a B+ student, clearly not good enough for an Ivy college. How can I ever go to med school with that grade? I want to be a psychologist. Can I make it? I'm losing hope and it scares me.

I just want it to be summer vacation again.

Summer vacation felt like it was never there. Once school begins, you kind of just forget about it. Whatever conflicts the school year left off was forgotten over the summer. Once summer ends, you just resume to the time where "everything was alright".

It's sad to think that the closing ceremony for my volunteer work is probably the last time I'll ever see my summer friends. It already past.

I should probably talk to you about that guy. If you follow this blog, you'll know what I mean.
I reached a dilemma where another guy that has been in my head for a long time surfaces again. He liked me a long time ago, but I shut him down - completely. I was so mean. I told him about my dilemma and he wasn't mad at me, surprisingly.

I've gotten quite close to the other guy. He moved to Queens recently, so I take the train with him - he asked me to =). I've also got close to this other girl. We go to Quickly everyday afterschool to try new flavors of Milk Tea. We promised each other do find something meaningful and do it.

Next week is Halloween. I am so psyched. Next week is also the day I send one of my dogs to the shelter. He was originally a stray dog that followed me home. It's been 4 years since he came home with me. I don't really want to give him to the shelter, but with the complaints of our neighbors, I have to.

Is it just me, or does this month seem kind of depressing?

Love,
Jay